PS 635 

Z9 
C5615 
Copy 1 



B 



Qiglft at ©Utn*r 




I YNNE FOX CLINTON 



PRICE FIFTY CENTS H B 



A NIGHT AT DINNER 

A SKIT 
Travesty on "fillers in" at Dinner 



BY 

LYNNE FOX CLINTON 

AUTHOR OF 

"Right of Trial by Jury" 

Conflict of Laws as Applied to the Divorce Question' 



Malvolio, if living would again 
reflect : " What entertainment 
have we here?" 



1914 

SYMS-YORK COMPANY 
BOISE, IDAHO 



T^5 



C* 



n > 



Copyrighted Nineteen Fourteen 

by Lynne F. Clinton 

the author 



TMP92-008862 
g)Cl.D 37645 



A NIGHT AT DINNER 

A Skit— Travesty on "fillers in" at dinner. 



(Bachelor Apartments.) 

Valet, Neverpaid, in attendance. 

Enter Flitter Getaway. 

V. Welcome, sir, but you are as unexpected as a 
chicken from an incubator or hair on a Mexican dog. 

F. We are all three here, Neverpaid. I was so 
set on eggs for breakfast this morning that one of 
them hatched, and as for gaining possession of this 
canine jelly fish, just before leaving Scotland, when 
I was seeking the hand of our hostess (but merely 
to extend my farewell — she said, "Farewell," and I 
retorted, "Yes, indeed." I inquired of her charming 
sister to say goodbye — a beautiful blond fluff, to be 
sure — and was told that she had gone to the dogs. 
"What," I exclaimed. "I must see her." This is 
the souvenir from the kennels where I found her. 
As I took my leave and the dog I disliked to part 
from the kennels, but thought I had taken enough. 



A NIGHT AT DINNER 



V. Pardon, sir, for bandaging your conversa- 
tion, but Miss Charpentier phoned this morning that 
she heard you were to return today and that no ex- 
cuse could take your place at dinner tonight; that 
she wouldn't accept him. You are to sit so near 
Miss Marry Money of Atlanta that you can hear her 
soup. She also has a reputation that no arrow ever 
had head enough to make an impression upon her, 
regardless of the bow it came from. 

F. I can't be expected to make a dent in a Tea 
Tante of that type even with a claw hammer. She 
will think I do not speak her language at all, but 
merely Assyrian. But to return to the dinner, but 
which I won't return, have some soap brushed to- 
gether with this season's vintage, make my face 
look like a cotton field and rub it in (others do). 
My face feels like a new gas grate. 

V. I wish it would light up so the soap would 
thaw. 

F. When it does I shall light out as I fear it's 
getting late. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 



V. Isn't that a fresh scar, sir, on your forehead? 

F. Yes; you see the Captain and I were sitting 
in his cabin one evening. I became personal in my 
conversation and we had a falling out. But to re- 
turn to my trip over the ocean. 

V. No one could blame you, sir ; it is so large. 

F. The blue grouse hunting is great sport. Every 
time a bird went up it thought it had the drop on 
me, and it soon did have. 

V. Did you pluck the birds, sir, yourself? 

F. No ; the only way any bird should be plucked 
is to first find its mate and after they are well 
mated, introduce another bird which appeals to one 
of them a trifle more, and the bird is plucked. 

V. Then what is good for the goose isn't always 
good for the gander. 

F. Exactly, since mates today are often very fine 
skippers. 

V. You, sir, must be some shot. 



6 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

F. If I am not I always have it with me. 

V. If you bag game as well as you do your 
trousers in two years there won't be anything with 
a bill on it fifty feet high except the Woolworth 
building. 

F. The bill is about the only part of a bird I 
ever get at dinner. 

V. Except when you are invited out as tonight. 

F. Where I merely contract an ordinary debt I 
try to discount upon paying. 

V. That is not always true, sir. I was a guest 
at a dinner once at a hotel and it cost me more than 
the host. 

F. Impossible; I feel nervous; explain yourself. 

V. The host was so drunk when the waiter 
handed him the check that he couldn't sign his 
name. He handed it to me and said, "Here, you 
sign this, will you?" "Most certainly," I blurted 
out, and I was so drunk I couldn't sign any other 
name but my own. But I have missed you, sir, dur- 
ing your absence. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 



F. Just as I missed the train, probably. We are 
both such sentimentalists; and you may think from 
the length of my whiskers that that was the closest 
shave I have had. 

V. How close do you want this one, sir? 

F. About the same as this room, and remember 
that I am in such a hurry that I can't stop for any- 
thing, not even for a drink. 

V. Won't you stand for just one sir, to settle 
your nerves? 

F. No, Neverpaid, I shall take it sitting just 
where I am. This is one on you and in me. 

V. But, sir, this is not getting to the dinner, nor 
at it, which is more to the point. The last one I 
was at didn't last long. I became very sick. 

F. Quite true. If we don't hurry I shall have 
to run like my bills (the only positive proof of per- 
petual motion). As I strap myself with this belt 
it reminds me of my childhood days. I think I 
shall lean over just once more for old-time sake and 
I may add, "make a good pickup," as it is called in 



A NIGHT AT DINNER 



baseball vernacular — my cigarette case — and inci- 
dentally take a puff from the box. I sound like an 
actress before her dressing table in a boudoir. 

V. Oh, sir! Oh, sir! I've swallowed a collar 
button. Call the doctor. 

F. No such thing; if you had you would have 
been patented before this. However, take a little 
cough medicine. I hear the taxi coming up and 
must say that this collar button is the first thing I 
ever knew to get ahead of one. 

V. Most people who get ahead of a taxi are com- 
pletely overcome by exertion or by the taxi. 

F. Quite true. I tried to get ahead of one some 
months past and felt very much run down. In fact, 
I went to the hospital to take the rest cure. 

V. Well, in this cosmopolitan age where there 
is so much travel a taxi is apt to run across one 
most anywhere. 

F. No doubt, but from the soreness of my side 
I trust the next place one runs across me is on 
Forty-second street. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 



V. And, as usual, I presume you might like to 
be on the inside. 

F. Yes, should I see one of French extraction, in 
which case I would return the glance until it passed 
away — suffered a demise so to speak — and since 
mentioning glances, I think I shall step in front of 
the cheval and see how I — or other things — are com- 
ing on. I know I have been here before, because 
my nose is in the same place, and let me remind you, 
Neverpaid, that as this cheval is worth but fifty 
dollars, it is most easy to break it. 

V. And as you stand before it I am also re- 
minded that the mirror of today is full of cracks, 
from ping pong to polo. 

F. Reference to athletics makes me think that 
as I soar down the street in an open taxi I shall be 
on the road to health. Neverpaid, I am feeling just 
a trifle suspicious that the Atlanta belle, whose ker- 
chief I am expected to pick up as she drops it for 
the purpose of emptying my bundle of conversa- 
tion, will be so stupid that if I sent her a velour hat 
and a shaving outfit she would weep and consult an 
electrolysis artist. 



10 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

V. Why, sir, do you expect she has a hair lip? 

F. Neverpaid, do you remember that I muzzled 
a dog of mine once for back-biting? 

V. Pardon me for my impudence, sir. I feel 
like the jockey who is caught on the way out. 

F. Very well ; have the shower above my tub re- 
moved as soon as possible. 

V. Why don't you like the shower above, sir? 

F. Because every time I get under it it washes 
me down into the tub. 

V. Which reminds me that the only way you can 
get some men out of the only steam room at plunges 
is to steam them out. 

F. And you have then found them out? 

V. You are so keen tonight, sir, that I believe 
that if you should smell a little perfumed extract 
of the essence of a sachet kitten that you could trace 
the hide of the midget into some girl's stole — and 
believe it was. 

F. Speaking of furs, they say that a taxidermist 
can skin anything but a circus manager. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 11 

V. I fear, sir, that you will be late for your din- 
ner engagement. 

F. If so, I will simply remark that the best 
things in life come last. 

V. You might add, except the dinner check. 

F. Yes, and I am getting so fat from dinners 
that if I don't go on a diet I shall have to declare 
a dividend. 

V. One is never too fat today unless he has to 
step to the side to shake hands, and when one is 
compelled to step to one side it isn't worth it. 

F. When it is time for a policeman to tap him. 

V. And if he is a Yale man he is waiting to be 
tapped. 

F. I hear a bill calling. Hand me my coat and 
hat and I shall see whether or not the flower of the 
Charpentier family is in the center of the table. 

V. If so, I trust you can't recognize it by pot 
marks. 



12 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

SCENE 2. 

Dining Room — Valet as Butler. 

Miss Marry Money and Flitter Getaway. 

F. As a colored coachman said to me at one time, 
Miss Money, I have a shade the better of you — I have 
heard so much about you. 

M. I trust, then, that the shade comes from my 
favorite tree. 

F. A minx should, I think, prefer a fir tree. Is 
that it? 

M. Not at all. In this case, yew. 

F. Well, not being egotistical, next to you, I like 
myself. Let us be seated. 

M. Be careful, Mr. Getaway. The dining room 
floor is so highly polished that we are apt to turn 
into the best pair of slippers in the room. 

F. And please note that as many dislocated 
hips and wrenched ankles come from such floors as 
from people. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 13 

M. Again correct, but I rather like a well-turned 
ankle. 

F. I am afraid to expose mine. I did on one 
occasion, showing black stockings shot with white, 
and I was called on to dance a highland fling. 

M. If you had as much Scotch blood in you as 
Scotch whiskey perhaps you wouldn't wear such 
expensive ones. 

F. Which reminds me, since I was asked to fill 
in at this dinner, I need a cocktail as an appetizer. 
My only objection to them, however, is that they 
are like mistakes. 

M. In that you never made one? 

F. Rather because I usually follow one up with 
another. 

M. When you have had enough you should re- 
move the cause to avoid the effect. 

F. You are studded with brilliance tonight from 
your slipper buckles to your tiara. 



14 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

M. Which reminds me that one of my slippers 
is as close as a dead heat. 

F. Well, I should rather feel my own boots than 
someone's else. 

M. Why do you drink so much? 

F. A lawyer told me that was the way to refresh 
some memories, which reminds me, there is some- 
thing wrong with the caviar. 

M. Because it makes you drink like a fish? 

F- No, I am positive; in fact, I have inside 
information. 

M. I trust that later developments will disaffirm 
the earlier reports. 

F. If not, the cross of my waistcoat will mark 
the place where the murder took place. 

M. Permit me, in offering you a light, to give 
you an imitation of the passing of the idle rich and 
strike a match for your cigarette, but not hard 
enough to injure it. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 15 

F. Many thanks. You are the most attractive 
match holder I have seen. 

M. But no match maker — it came from the fac- 
tory. 

F. And yet you make everything light. 

M. Yes; I am neither a book agent nor a min- 
ister's daughter. 

F. Then you are "our best seller" possibly. 

M. Exactly; "our best cellar offers salt only" — 
have some. 

F. I prefer the cellar where an author has 
racked his brains. 

M. Which only reminds me that when drinks 
are coming too fast one should order a sloe gin 
fizz. 

F. Then you prefer aquatic sports? 

M. Well, I am rather inclined to golfers. 

F. Golf is a nice game, as the links always hold 
golfers together. 



16 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

M. Speaking of links, what an unusual side 
chain you wear. 

F. Yes, that goes back to King George the First. 

M. Why not keep it ; it is so attractive. But how 
do you like the sound of this ring of antiquity? 

F. I can't see it. I was robbed blind last night. 

M. You must be a high flyer. 

F. Yes, an enthusiastic aviator. 

M. Still today no one objects. 

F. It is usually no one who does. 

M. And when they do I always feel like marry- 
ing in the army so that I can swear like a trooper. 

F. Speaking of marrying, did George Fenway 
marry prospects? 

M. No, he sells them. 

F. Then when he marries we can propose a toast 
to the state of matrimony which shall never be al- 
lowed to secede from the union. 

M. I saw him drink out of a bottle the other 
evening at Sherry's. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 17 

F. Why shouldn't he since he formed the habit 
early in life — or he may have lost his glasses. 

M. But the girl with whom he was sitting was 
terribly fresh. 

F. She is what men call a Sherry flip. 

M. I heard her ask Mr. Fenway whether in the 
event he had a stove in his hat it would be called a 
lid. He intimated that if it were found on top it 
would be, but that if she splashed grape fruit at 
breakfast as she did her wine he would be compelled 
to carry an umbrella or wear a raincoat. 

F. To feel secure in that remark I should say 
he had as much pluck as an eider duck. 

M. Oh, he didn't get anything on his clothes. 

F. How could he otherwise pay for the dinner? 

M. With the bill from the duck. 

F. Speaking of ducks, I had a cushion stuffed 
with the pin feathers of one to place in a chair I 
offered guests who bored me. 

M. While I wear a net gown to catch any of 
them, bores or no bores. 



18 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

F. Do you refer to the kind of gown which 
makes one in doubt as to whether you are ready for 
your bath or a dinner? 

M. Speaking of a bath, a friend of mine passed 
away in a bathtub the other day. 

F. How careless of him to overlook the stopper. 

M. You are becoming so refreshed that you may 
lose part of it. 

F. There is something about you I like. 

M. It must be my beads, for your arms have 
never been about me. 

F. But to return to our muttons as the French 
say (it was so thoughtful of the hostess to serve 
chops to the chops) — bathtub, it reminds me of a 
bottle of wine for the reason that when you pull 
the stopper out the contents of neither last long. 

M. And speaking of French, some one told me 
this morning that I dressed like a French girl. Do 
you think that is so? 

F. I can't tell; I never saw a French girl dress. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 19 



M. Don't talk to a Tea Tante so; you make me 
blush. You Englishmen always have something up 
your sleeve. 

F. What we put up our sleeve, clever women 
often drop. 

M. By shaking us? 

F. That is women's favorite exercise. 

M. Not entirely; I even play squash. 

F. I also have attempted the game, but find it 
impossible as every time I step into a squash court 
the ball goes out. 

M. Do you like tennis and racquets? 

F. Yes; I am a lawyer by profession, but pre- 
fer squash, racquet and tennis court practice. 

M. What would you say was the reason some 
men are so clever at tennis and so inane at rac- 
quets ? 

F. Oh, because one can play racquets without 
tennis, but can't play tennis without racquets. 

M. I would rather talk to a lawyer, however, 



20 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

than to a judge, as the latter often prefers such long 
sentences. 

F. In which case it is convenient to have the 
judge and lawyer so close that there is not even a 
difference of opinion between them. 

M. Speaking of judges, what a fine nose Judge 
Septum has. He must come from good stock. 

F. Common or preferred? 

M. He exposes a beautiful signet ring. 

F. Yes ; he is a descendant of the swan family. 

M. But a bad egg. 

F. Which is good enough, except when he's 
broke. 

M. You sound like an impossible. 

F. If so, you are next to impossible. 

M. Excuse me, but you have wine dripping on 
your chin. 

F. That is what engineers call a spillway. 

M. You had better take a little butter before it 
melts and runs away. 



LYNN E FOX CLINTON 21 

F. Speaking of edibles, I dropped into a cafe 
the other night for supper and ordered a small ten- 
derloin wrapped in bacon and the cook was so slow 
I was compelled to go back the next morning for 
the bacon. 

M. Evidently he didn't have as much dash to 
him as a hyphenated name. 

F. Speaking of hyphenated names, I met the 
Courtney-Hemenways the other night and I asked 
Mrs. Hemenway if her husband were still drinking 
— I thought he would be. 

M. She said yes, much to my disgust, and I sug- 
gested that he drink to her health instead. 

F. By the way, I notice that Mr. Hemenway uses 
long trousers in a squash court in place of running 
pants. 

M. That is because there is so much more to 
them. 

F. That is the reason I don't prefer Mrs. Hem- 
enway, because there is so much more to her than 
to Mr. Hemenway. 



22 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

M. Furthermore, she is very artificial and is 
fond of cosmetics. 

F. Yes, even her mind is made up. 

M. And as for her husband, his favorite cereal 
is rye. 

F. He must be literary, indulging in serials, I 
venture. 

M. He even has a five-foot book shelf. 

F. No, most of his are six. 

M. But he does play poker. 

F. Yes; you know he does not like to win his 
friends' money and as we cash in he usually says, 
"I have the blues." 

M. And his favorite hunting ground for wild 
game is at the supper table. 

F. Which reminds me that the wisest game is a 
sage hen. 

M. And the richest game a guinea hen. 

F. And the most stupid a fool hen. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 23 

M. And the fastest a lark. 

F. But do you think all birds come from bird 
seed? 

M. Judging from the size of turtle doves it would 
not surprise me. 

F. We call them morning doves when we have 
them for breakfast. 

M. Have you been going out much in society? 

F. No, I was broke without being dropped — I 
didn't come from China. 

M. Possibly you are city broke. 

F. But I know something will turn up for me 
soon. 

M. Try your trousers. 

F. Why not pray to the heavens and be reminded 
of Mrs. Gardner's remark as she pointed at her 
maid who fell downstairs one afternoon as I stepped 
in the hallway, "That is help from above." 

M. It is more difficult to keep up with you than 
the styles. 



24 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

F. You are rather witty yourself. 

M. But the best thing you got off was my foot. 

F. I must remind you then of the third rail on 

the Boston L. 

M. Why? 

F. Because you don't want to come in contact 
with me. 

M. Many a human clam is opened by a cocktail 
I notice. You are usually so quiet. 

F. If so, let's toast the sideboard. 

M. Remembering, I presume that the only side- 
boards with nothing in them are the ones at the 
polo field. 

F. Alright, I will subscribe one sip of stimulant 
if you will raise an equal amount. 

M. And if they must fall, let them go not to- 
gether. 

F. I see you like a heart that beats. 

M. That's the reason I play the ace. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 25 



F. In bridge do you play the conventional heart 
lead? 

M. Not unless my partner doubles. 

F. Which reminds me that much money crosses 
from one pocket to another by bridge. 

M. I get most of mine at auction ; it is so much 
cheaper. 

F. You are as egotistical as a fly. 

M. Why? 

F. You use so many eyes. 

M. I wish I could be more egotistical and say 
we. 

F. You evidently remember that birds of a 
feather are often plucked together. 

M. There is always something going on when 
you are around I see. 

F. Quite true, but you are so clever you imme- 
diately take it off. 

M. Yes, for instance if you would suggest we 



26 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

clean our wine glasses I should say the easiest way- 
is to empty them. 

F. And since we notice the wine decanter is full 
of the old nick. 

M. Which reminds me, I just finished Omar. 

F. Do you expect to have it copyrighted? 

M. Yes, book-making is my favorite hobby. 

F. I presume that if Adam had contracted a 
hobby it would have been building houses with Eves 
and selling them for harems. 

M. And if Shakespeare were living his would 
be devouring Bacon. You may be ejected from this 
room for making such remarks. 

F. In that event I should feel very much put out. 

M. Which reminds me, I was told that Mr. Fox 
was asked to leave the theatre the other evening for 
being beside himself in place of his wife. 

F. I presume he was so angry that his forehead 
weeped, what I call shedding a few body tears, or 
accumulating beads of perspiration. 



LYNNE FOX CLINTON 27 

M. However, he had nothing on me. 

F. Neither had I; you looked as though they 
were yours. 

M. Let's have a little roquefort before some- 
thing crawls away with it, interrupting our con- 
versation and remembering that the reason George 
Ade's mother didn't name him lemon was because 
she didn't like it. 

F. Very well, but we should have been awarded 
the blue ribbon to go with it. 

M. You remind me so of yourself. What class 
were you in at college? 

F. A class by myself and have been alone ever 
since. 

M. You mean you have stayed single and lead a 
double life. 

F. But I should like to marry and settle down. 

M. Why not marry and settle up? 

F. Shall we? 

M. We? 



28 A NIGHT AT DINNER 

F. Would you take a promising young attorney 
like me? 

M. That depends upon where — but you do noth- 
ing except promise, so why shouldn't you be? 

F. Goodbye, Miss Money; we shall have to has- 
ten before the coffee becomes frapped, and after 
making a splash together, I trust I may again see 
you this evening — otherwise I shall go to the plunge 
and turn into a tank. 

M. Would it be a change? 

CURTAIN. 



016 102 695 5 4 



